Thursday, October 20, 2011

i hope you read this

Another day of confusion.
i know it's been a really boring topic like over and over again, i wrote about this.
But this thing is kinda get me.
Let me tell you something.

Dear you, my past, (you know who you are)

You and i know we already broke up "for real" right now. I was asking you whether you can still open your heart, for the sake of love, to try again, together. But, you said, you cant. At the last time we met, you said, don't hope. Especially hoping for you to come back. you said, "i am not the one you can count on."

Did you remember ? Last monday, when i was having my hard day, (you know what i mean) i called you and i said i missed you, even i knew we're not together anymore. And i asked, whether you already move on with someone else, because you never called me again. Maybe i was wrong asking that to you, because i know i means "nothing" anymore for you. But, i dont know why, i felt it. Then, u said to me, you feel pressured because i asked that to you, and words you said : "your jealousy is nothing to do with me right now, so just face it yourself. you know we're broke up already, dont treat me like i was your  boyfriend right now" then you shut the phone off.

At that night, i cried. i felt so terribly bad and hurt. Especially because, i know, reality slapped me lots of times, but i just wont confess that we're not together anymore. That time, it hit me. So hard. I felt so shame of myself for asking and begging. I felt so bad because i was being dependent and whiny. I felt so bad because i was weak.

The morning after, i realized that this can't go on like this. I am your ex, with so much love hanging in my heart, and you are my ex, with the willingness to be set free. Now, i give you that. I will set you free. I won't beg no more. Because, this is what you want. I am gonna face it myself, as you previously wished that Monday night. So, because i already give you what you want, why wont you go? why you still apologizing, why you still call? why you still text me? why you still try to catch some attention? why dont you just go?
If you wish that we can still meet and have a nice "after-breakup-relationship", i can't. yet. Maybe in the future, but it's just not now. When the love is still linger on my heart and when my body covered with thoughts of you. If you can't take me back, just let me go. Don't let me hanging in your string. Because it hurts this bad.

Monday, October 10, 2011

save myself

It's true that if someone gave you advices, that they have to be expertise in it. Then there would come out a very suggestive output. That's why i only talk to some people, instead of telling it to the whole world, otherwise i would get "forget him and go on with ur life" which is not a good things to be heard.

Already a month in this situation, trying to walk in the straight line. It's hard, but i know i am gonna be fine, someday.
This is not okay, and i cant be in this situation forever. Because it is me who's gonna "get killed" in the end.
So, now i be selfish, pack my things, and runaway.

i save myself from you, and this no-longer relationship.

Monday, September 26, 2011

edge of desire - John Mayer

"Edge Of Desire"

Young and full of running

tell me where is that taking me

just a great figure eight

or a tiny infinite

love is really nothing

but a dream that keeps waking me

for all of my trying

we still end up dying

how can it be?

don't say a word

just come over and lie here with me

cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe

there I just said it

I'm scared you'll forget about me

so young and full of running

all the way to the edge of desire

steady my breathing

silently screaming

I have to have you now

wired and I'm tired

think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor

baby this mattress will spin on its axis

and find me on yours

don't say a word

just come over and lie here with me

cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe

there I just said it

I'm scared you'll forget about me

don't say a word

just come over and lie here with me

cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe

there I just said it

I'm scared you'll forget about me

Thursday, September 22, 2011

i am so tired of being blue

.. but i do nothing about it.
Right now, i started to believe that this is a reality. That no matter what, i have to go on.
Go on with my life. That i can't wait for other people, to decide everything i want in life.
That my step isn't stop in one place.

The last question in my post, is true. I can't live life like this.
Nobody to depends, but yourself.

Friends, lovers, or nothing. We can't be in between.
Sooner or later, this has to stop.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

letting go

Almost my 2 weeks after the "it" day.
Try to live my life as well., and i lie if i say that i try to forget and not think abt it at all.
Well,in fact i dont.
I think about it very much. 26 hours a day. People said its so negative that u spend time for something waste.
But, i have to pass this process. I dont want to fight it back. Because if i do so, i only make it harder for myself.

Then my thought returns to a very simple question : If there's enough love left, then why do you leave me?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Day 5

Hello. This is day 5 of surviving.

This is not my first time, but still "ever-done-it-before-feeling" not helping you better with another situation in the future. Then it's clear for broken heart, either.

Along this 5 days journey, i realized that .. u can't prepare your feeling for anything. Even if u already realized it at first.

Like, when u fall in love, you'll say to urself that u are ready for the broken hearted moment, but when it happens, it just happens. u will never be ready. never. U can never prepare your heart. no matter how strong you are.

Monday, September 12, 2011

it's day 4

This is day 4, as the time goes by so slow. And it's always like this whenever i broke up with somebody.
I still dont know what to do. Sometimes found out my fingers type message for him. Accidentally. I tried my  Best Friend, Rizki Dwij suggestion to type everything i want to send to him, but DONT send it. Only the satisfaction of typing. I can cancel it or save it to draft. She said it's kind of therapy. I found it useful sometimes, but still i have to control my thoughts about him. Because it's heavy thoughts. :(

Friday, September 9, 2011

Too much fights will kill you.

Twitter is a social media, but i cant force all my followers to read and being moody as i am now. So blogging is the only way that left.

I am gonna start with telling you a 4 years love story.

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl met in the bus for couple of times and fell in love. They really love each other very much. The years passed with normal routines as lovers ; loving, caring, fighting, jealousy and laughters,and the rest is maybe filled with happiness and the bittersweet.
Just like another love story, rocky ways came along. And both of them tried to work it out. Most of the times, they solve the problems by fighting. They often feel tired, but in the end they kept coming back for each other, because they forgot the problems and  because they love each other very much. 
Until one day, both of them realized, that problems are real and always comes to be solved.
And that day is yesterday, the time that they both decided to separate for good, and promised to still love each other, not in a relationship but in another form.

The girl is me and the boy is my man. Today, i feel so breakdown and helpless. I never think to take everysingle steps without him. He is not only my boyfriend, but also bestfriend to me. We thru every single steps in four years, together. Never missed a day without saying "  i love u" in the end of our phonecalls or messages. Yes, that we are not a couple anymore, but i can still meet him and get together sometimes. But, the idea that i have to burry my dreams with him, is thing i can't take. And realizing that 4 years brings me to (another) ending and broken hearted moments. He said that we can be together again (maybe if we're meant to be) but i always think that separation will separate you no matter what.

Some of my friends tell me to forget him, like i forget the other ex. But, this is not the same. We built objective and i want to achieve it with him. It's not another relationship, like, an easy or fast track, that when u feel no more chemistry then u left. It is not that kind of relationship. We both try to hold on and it kills me when the bestest thing to do is to separate, because now this relationship is too much of hurting each other in the end. We are not growing. We love each other, we dont want to separate, but we did the opposites. It's sad to know.

I always hope that God will let me and him meant for each others. And keep on wishing, that it is just a phase that we both gonna go thru. By the way, today is supposed to be my 4 years and 3 months anniversary with him. It was, but now no more. No more. I'd better not to think abt it anymore.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

realizing your jobdesk

Dear colleagues,

if u rite now workin in a big company, i mean BIG company. There must be jobdesk, rite? jobdesk is actually unwritten rules. It's function is to separate between ur jobdesk and someone else's jobs. For example : you work in marketing dept, your jobdesk is making POP, and your friend's job is at sales dept and her job is NOT MAKING POP .
And dont you know that it's not wise if you ask your friend who works at sales to make POP ? It's called overlapping. Cross the limit.
Like, the boss handover his/her job to others, and then smiles with no regrets. yeah GREAT. thanks. Or, same level colleagues giving YOU, HIS/HER jobdesk and insist that it is EVERYONE's job desk.

And i cant believe in this such BIG company, there are LOTS of person who likes to HAND-OVER his/her own jobdesk and feel good about it. Even though, it might hurt someone else's feeling. Yeah, we're all robot. we're all heartless. So, it's kinda FINE and A MUST to receive the overlapping jobdesk from our partner or other department. oh yeah, i am fine about it. SO FINE. i am good. i am fine.

cause we are all ROBOTIC and HEARTLESS.

Friday, August 5, 2011

here you go (AGAIN)

I didn't mean to criticize every single person that i met. I mean, like i always want to find the negative side from the people around me. Such a big no, no, because yes i am not that flawless. but as time goes by, i always observe what i dislike from some people.

Like today, and actually this past few weeks, i notice that my boss just .. too lazy to search, find and open any data that i already sent to her (and btw,  i made those with EFFORT). I know this is no big deal, but i feel under appreciated. I mean like, why did i have to make those works and compilations, if in the end, she wouldn't even take a look at my works? And in the middle of hectic hours, she MSN-ed me and ask whether i can find the data (that i already sent to her), because she said she's in the middle of BUSY things and she said she is too LAZY to do it. yes, she said that oftenly. That actually hurts my feeling.

Btw, people.. here's one thing i learned, no matter how newbie you are, put ur ass in the loop and RUN inside the track. FAST!  so don't make any reason like "i don't know that, because i was new at that time" or "nobody told me, i am left all alone in there" so what? it's 2 months already now, and ur still outside the circle? learn. from anyone. yeah yeah i know boss, you are newbie, but don't make kinda reason, or else people will think that u just try to defend urself and act unprofessional.

Make ur assistant trust you, that u are good enough to be her boss/leader. or everything will be just ruined. like, really worse.

i did this lately. i wish i can.

Monday, July 11, 2011


this is almost mid July! two weeks ahead is gonna be fasting month for us moslems.

here i am still behind my desk. facing monday. happy because my keyboard is new so i can type better. :p
and try to feel good. because i think, nobody can make yourself feel good, but yourself, right? so the world is quite negative, and i just try to stay sane and positive.

planning something good for the end of this month with my boyfriend. Gonna do something different than just doing routines (kelapa gading/metropole/GI/Sency/Semanggi/or anything related in East and Central Jakarta).
Our 4th years 1 month anniversary shall be celebrated in somewhere NEW. never been there before. i don't know why, but i really like to plan something for him, making surprises and seeing him smiling :)

So, am gonna browse in the internet (while i can :p) where's the destination could be. I am thinking about never-been-there-before-yet-affordable-and-also-unique-ambience restos. This is the site which i just found yesterday about resto's review : click here for more resto reviews

:) :) wish me luck!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

wishlist checked !!

fashion diary finally i can post links into blog. finally i have spare time. :)
fyi .. this is one of my wishlist.

Monday, June 20, 2011

1.2 years

there's one big thing i learned from living in a big city. i dont say NY, or Manhattan. But, Jakarta is big enough for me to find out the reasons why. i grew up in Jakarta for 17 years. Then i moved to Bandung when i was 18, to pursue college. Well, Bandung is a well developed city, not so big tho. Spent almost 5 yrs there, i felt that the culture is totally different from Jakarta. The weather is nice, the food is good, the fashion and people is hype and unique, and the ambiance, you know, i cant hardly tell you what it's like, but i think it's like London (never been there, just guess) and one thing that i know that the people treat me just well and nice. then i quickly fell in love with Bandung and forget about how Jakarta was. how hard was Jakarta treated me.

but then again, i came back here and started life as a young adult. told y my job now wasnt my dream, but since am a freshman, i need experience. So i took this. And that's why i write about this thing. This isnt my first time Being in 9-5, so i think i already know the rules and so on. But, i remind my self that now i live in a so called big city, so everything won't be the same anymo. So, It's hard not to judge here, because everyone seems ignorant and unpleasant for the first time you meet them. Well, i think it's just because the first time. and fast forward to three months, i can see. Which are the goods and which are the so not okay. I learn to distinguish and separate people into : good, bad, real good and real bad. The good group is just nice. the bad group is ignorant. The real good is really nice and sincere to you. and The real BAD group are ASSHOLE. Well lets not focus on good and bad. Lets focus on REAL GOOD and REAL BAD. Because this is guidance for dummies (like me, used to be)

Good things come first, so am gonna share you the people from nice side. You know? Can you sense someone when they are truthful, sincere, and honest to you? just use ur basic sense, you'll know. They will criticize you in the front, that's what the magazine said abt the good people. And, you know what? it's true. Indeed. They'll teach you about unwritten rules, and also other things u might need in the future. They are not doubtful when they ask you to do some works, and they will challenge you for the sake of your progress. And believe me, tho they will "use" you for their own importance, but they won't take credit of ur works. They will include you in emails, said thanks to you, asked abt ur opinion, and let you learn and make mistakes at the same time. At the end, they can do scoring based upon ur progress, and if they think you deserve something, they will promote you for sure. They will talk about your positive side and if u made mistakes, they will tell you personally, to get it right. Sometimes this nice side people, isn't always as sweet as a fairy, they could be firm and cold, but one thing for sure, you know you learn something from them. And by then you can be smarter. Well, they might be your boss, your partner, the office boy/girl. it can be whoever who has big heart and great soul.

Hmm.. this side is kinda rough. Why i said so? i have seen victims. Me? was i victim? Not yet, maybe. I was witnessing. They, who are, real bad people is sleek and fierce. They never show a scar. Never drop a sweat. Their face is smiley yet the heart is growing pains. They give up everything, everything, just to stay in the same position or else, going up. Are they nice? maybe. To certain people. To obtain their objectives. It's clear to see. Do you know how they achieve their objectives? Being rude, careless, and hypocrite is the answer. Hurting their assistant? it's a to do list they've been doing everyday ever since they become that side person. Can they sleep well? oh of course. Why must they feel unwell, when they accused someone to do something they didnt do? Blaming is their middle name. It's hard to face one day, without yelling and blaming. Yet,when their boss is here, their words are the bitters turn into honey. forceful. hypocrite. As i told you before. They easily forget what they said, and instantly accused someone when they made mistakes. And when some shit happens, they are playing God. Innocent. Inconsistency is something that they love the most. They could make reasons, a thousand reasons to be innocent. They will never in a zillion times, apologize. when they said thanks, that could be something wrong. Maybe lightning stroke them last nite. Sharing knowledge means makes someone else smarter and acknowledged.It's dangerous for this side, since they want to be smart for themselves. They dont want anyone, to be smarter than them. That it is scared for them, that someone else smarter will take their position. Promoting is never in their dictionary. they always feel threatened, when someone new is IN. That's why they play ignorant and careless. Unless, they know it's not their rival, it'll be just okay. Real BAD won't let you learn. They will make you look stupid all the time. But the end, they will tell you, that u didn't even progress, because u dont learn. Twisted. As always. Taking credit is beneficial. No need ur permission. cc-ed email is rare. if needed, your name will never showed up in any of the emails. They are the one who did everything. They are multi-tasker itself. All they like was embarassing you and public humiliation is their daily show. So, be careful, because, like i told you before, they may not be scarry as evil, but they could dress up as a princess. Sweetness is just the beginning. keep your mind wide open. Recognize the sign.

I didnt find such things in Bandung. People are true. They aren't pretender. Because it's tired to be so. big city kicks me so much. Turns people into anger and madness. Big city can change you into someone you used to hate the most. So, self control is incredibly needed. Stay sane is the only way.

Here i am, spending almost 1.2 yr here, 4 times changing boss, and observing is my favorite. I didn't hate being here. I just wish people stop being mean and hypocrite. Started to know each other for real, not judging for the look only. Creating a better work environment isn't a sin. Being harsh isn't the way. Remind yourself that you are nothing without colleagues, so treat others like you wanna be treated. At the end, i just wanna be myself. stay the same. minus negativity and being hypocrite.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

panicking doesn't help

after a day being ill, i'm back doing my robotic day. (i'm happy,tho). then a bunch of oh-so-important business, bumped me. as always, (i'm trying to reduce the percentage!)i get panicked. it's a standard panic, actually. And as always i try to solve it (in my way-systematically).. then i found myself in the situation : when i asked something that ACTUALLY, shouldn't be asked. to my boss. somebody that determine "my future" in this company. i hate it. then i feel stupid, then asked why to myself. why cant i ask myself before i ask somebody else? panicking gets on my nerves and blindfold my brain. or was it my thought which is not LONG enough to think clear? was it out of my reach to think such decission? was i actually able to think good enough but i just dont use it? i feel sad and sorry for myself. for not asking myself good question before kicking somebody else with stupid question. fyi : my boss is sick at home. and i forced him to answer this stupid question. And, let's guess what he will be thinking about me. i have to take another chance to make it all up again. dude, i feel sad. deeply sorry for myself. eating this must help relieving my mood. or this one : Those snacks are from Serendipity in USA.(when will they open a store here?) have a good day all. Remember, panicking does nothing.

Monday, April 11, 2011

no traffic is non in Jakarta.

blissful monday. no traffic. good driver. good people. good work. good lunch. good everything GOOD. then to complete this note yet, showing you what "no traffic" means in early monday morning in Jakarta, i googled pics. type "no traffic in Jakarta's street." I got pics. Then what makes me annoyed and disturbed is : all of the pics i googled remains to the same thing. Traffic. Accidents. and rebellious driver. all the selfish vehicles which cant stand anymo being in the dont-know-when-it-will-end-i-want-to-go-home-i-dont-care-anymore-if-i-hit-somebody's-car-my-office-will-pay-for-my-claims traffic. showing u two among thousands. even google cant do any better in searching and matching key words when for Google keyword "no traffic in Jakarta" means "there's no such thing as no traffic in Jakarta just face it, u dreamer" OK, will be back for good posts later. later.Sorry i cant describe how i feel this morning. i hope y feel good too, today.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

morning thought.

have u ever feel like, doing routines? get bored? then seek the happiness?
like when u arrive at the office, turn on the computer, and staring at the monitor like it's the most interesting creature in the world, click outlook, and downloading emails, while waiting for the process to be finished, ur wondering is there any other job (maybe with better payment) meant to be yours? is this the right job for me? will i get a chance to pursue my dreams? or even worse, what the hell am i doing here, i dont even like this job! kinds of thoughts like that. And for the rest of the day, u keep looking at the lower right corner side of the computer, because there u can see the clock is ticking. And the most interesting part of the workday is near 12 am (read : break time) and when the day is over like 5 pm (read : going home) or the happiest day of the working month when it's close to payment day. yah, thats me. gotta work because thats the only way to fulfill the lifestyle. (nowadays people tend to worship lifestyle)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

shit happens (at office)

i hate it when my former boss fwd my mistakes to others.

boss : dear rani, can u pls make a flowchart for this data?

me : dear boss, here is the flowchart you requested

*then he send my data to senior manager - upper level (my email wasnt included, as if he’s the one who made that)

boss (to the senior manager - upper level) : dear all, here’s the chart i made to fulfill the presentation for our product launch.

*then the senior manager-upper level, give comment and correction to the data which THEY think made by MY BOSS.

senior manager : dear rani’s boss, i think you combine it wrong in Feb 2010. pls check.

*my boss send it back to me, asked for my confirmation.

boss : dear rani, pls check again the flowchart u made.

me : dear boss, sorry i made mistakes. i revised it already.

*i revised the data and MY BOSS send it back to upper level, and this time, when i made mistakes, HE INCLUDED my sorry email.

boss to the senior manager - upper level) : dear all, here’s the revised flowchart. (AND MY SORRY EMAIL is FUCKING INCLUDED inside)

so. the conclusion is i wont do that when am a manager someday. u took credit from ur assistant and said as if it’s ur WORKS. and when they made mistakes, you proudly present their mistakes to others and said as if IT’S NOT UR WORKS.

ur terrible boss. sorry. but ur worse than terrible.

go save ur self, pervert!

Monday, February 14, 2011

thankful enough

this one goes for a week ago.
hope it's still fresh.
thankful enough

this morning is monday.(who likes monday, raise ur hand and God will bless people like you.)

First, i started to yawn and yawn, and snooze and snooze and roll over left to the right, when the reality called. I HAVE TO WORK. because i am a responsible adult.(sigh)

and the next prep detail, i aint no have to make it detail.So, i came out and face this morning.Hello traffic, hello unbeliveable long trip to office, hello crazy motorbikes, hello bunch of jobs, hello everyone.

so i sat inside the public transportation called ANGKOT. and thinking, how much i hate MONDAY now. (fyi, in my former job, i dont have MONDAY. it’s holiday still. yes i worked from Tue-Fri 4 days a week) you know? traffic. any small incidents that led you to bad thoughts abt this day. and have to WORK after the weekend. That’s hard. And of course, face the JOB that paid ur bill.

But, thank GOD, a very GOOD inspiration and motivation went thru my thought. Well, it sucks to face monday and work. but it is even sucks when u do nothing at all in monday or even worse, have a HARDER JOB than what i already have rite now. such as, being a JOKI, standing in the sidewalk, early in the morning, waiting for a vehicle to choose them. or, GROCERY SELLER, wake up so damn early like 3 am, and go to the market in the cold dawn. or even A PICK-POCKET, maybe they have choice, but they choose to be one.or ANYTHING HARDER. rather than just sitting in front of monitor and stealing time to write in this page.

yeah,that’s me. but i’m thankful enough so God will give me more bless. :)

now,i know.

lately, i've been into Tumblr more than blogger. dont know why.
now,i know.

marriage is the last thing on my mind because i have “not so good” experience abt that stuff (actually,my parents' experience). But, that was 6 months ago.that was my opinion in 6 months ago.

Since i worked in Jakarta, esp in this company. I found so many living proof. above 30. lonely and grumpy. well, there are some good living proof tho. i mean like, above 30 and happy. but it’s just SOME. not MANY of THEM. like, when u look at a pie diagram, the HAPPY is 20% out of 100%. Not promising, rite? small amount.

lets just make a list do and donts abt marriage life ..(in my opinion)

DO’s :

  1. because you have someone who loves u and u love them,too
  2. because you and ur couple wanna make a LEGAL relationship when you too have babies and sleep together
  3. because you want to BUILD something. u wanna leave MARKS for the future. the GOOD marks.
  4. because .. i dont wanna be the LONELY and GRUMPY examples whom i seen at my office

DONT’s :

  1. when you dont have any partner to be married with (so clear)
  2. when u dont think marriage is suitable for your life (ur too selfish to share ur life with someone else)
  3. when u like changing partner randomly
  4. when u think having great career is better than having spouse

So yeah. even if its equal in DO’s and DONT’s, well i prefer DO’s as well. because the fourth reason in DO’s. i just dont wanna be ‘that girl’. being lonely is scarry, but being lonely and grumpy is WORST.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

be still

it's thursday. we call it mid-week.
almost payment due-day. but it's only almost.
lately, Jakarta showered with rain.
And the worst part, it happens every morning.
i know you know the effect. no need further explanation.
April will be a celebration for myself.
because .. (fanfare sounds) i already worked here for OFFICIALLY A YEAR!
that's quite an achievement for me.
Since, i was accidentally drowned in this consumer goods' industry.
many things happen.
but quite a big loop here.
so many people quitting their job.
maybe 2011, is the year of prosperity. so, people can be rich without working. That's why they quit the job. *impossibletopic-amjustguessing
and .. lately i've been thinking about being patient.
taking times. and let see what happens.
realizing that in this instant world, there's something needed longer times, wider spaces, and more patience. and "hang in there, baby!" phrase.
since, being patient is one of my lackness.. this is so hard to do.
i wish for every step of obstacle is like a video game.
you know, when u achieve or finish something, then there would be a voice (comes from nowhere) saying :
"Congratulations, you have passed level one,please continue to the next level"
and of course when you're about to face the harder obstacle, the voice over will be heard again,
"this is the next level, in this level you will face super grumpy colleagues and hectic boss, please be prepared, this will start in 5 seconds"
well, at least i know what i'm going thru. and i know what i've achieved.
but, there's just no such thing.
i'd better get ready. my b will be here any minute.
so, gotta work.
see u in another uncontrollable thoughts.
i wanted this RB like crazy. fall in love for its wooden material.
my bf broke mine (none like this, the turtle pattern lookalike)
he should've gone change it with this one :D
*did u hear that, boyfie?