I wish could stop being what so called "baper" in Indonesian. Having overwhelmingly sensitive feeling. You know, wise man said, when you're easily angered, or being too sentimental means you're off balance with yourself. Well, maybe i am. It's just lately i'm not able to face people with their action, or even tolerate the smallest part of sarcasm and stupidity. I just can't. It's way too hard. I want to be alone.
Actually, i do know my source of problem is not accepting the reality i had right now. Which is everything change at workplace. I want them the way it used to be. But, it's impossible and i can not even change my mindset to accept something, and search happiness from that. And in the other side, i can not quit this job, because i have to pay the bills (that's what adult do) and i have to work for that.
But, every single day, everything was being grey. Darker. And, i can not face this changes. I dont know how. And, i think i lose my mentality (not that i become crazy and have to be put in assylum) it's just i need a getaway, but then i know it's not a solution. Because it's just way to drift something apart for a while, and soon it will be hitting you again. HARDER. no. i won't take that option.
So every morning, my thought was like can i wake up a little late? Can i have some coffee and wander and do my favorite stuff - like watch TV, you tube channel or even laughing at stupid stuff with my child? or even do not think or rush about anything? You know? i'm tired of this rushing around life. And sometimes i wander, Life. I do wander, does it have to be like this to be successful? is it what it takes when you sign up agreement to be an adult? is it what it's like to be a grown up? Is this why Peterpan doesn't want to grow up? I don't know. I don't.
And the other question is, can i be just like some people who does their favorite stuff and get money from that? Without having to have this overwhelmingly sensitive feeling about almost anything (which are mostly unimportant and rubbish). Is that kind of life exist? I don't know but i wish i can be that one people :) It must have been very happy, tho.
It's not that i'm not thankful for life has given to me right now. It's just i can not face the situation and feeling pressed from all over the sides, and not even knowing what i want from this.
Oh Life. You are bitter sweet. it's just now i'm biting the bitter more than the sweet.